I’m Not Ok
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I'm not ok
But I will be
For the past few weeks, I haven’t been feeling great. My life seems to be falling apart around me, I appear to be a passenger tied up in the driver’s seat of a car doing a 100 miles an hour with no brakes, bracing for impact. One day I sense that I have my life together, the next it feels as if I am going to explode. I’m fatigued, lethargic and drained. The joys of life, the nuances of reality I was so grateful to experience have been sucked out of my existence, akin to a vacuum at full power.
I’m on the edge of another mental breakdown, and they seem to be happening more frequently than ever.
I can’t pinpoint what caused this ball of chaos to start avalanching, but it seems like a combination of factors. One, every day is, for me, groundhog day. Nothing is exciting to look forward to, no fun whatsoever, I barely smile or laugh, and I’m not walking away from the day wanting to strive for more.
Instead, I want to run as far away from it as I can, escape the dismal, cheerless reality my mind is perceiving the world in. Like an addict looking for a fix, I clammer around to find the nearest book, content online, or video game to fling myself into, a way of preoccupying my monotonous life. A temporary bandage for the gradually engulfing pain that I am letting soak into my reality.
I also find myself confronting an issue which been underlying for a lifetime...me.
My conscious over time has developed a counter to every action I want to take. Every step I take, every move I make, it finds a way to see the opposite, negative side and not in a way that stimulates an internal dialogue. This battle against my most formidable negotiator forces me to revert to my default, similar to when a laptop it shuts itself down in an attempt to flush out an issue, for me however it means I end up relapsing into my dull routine of life forgetting the very reason I want to escape it. Thus the vicious cycle of the mundane manner continues, a ticking time bomb primed to explode, causing irreversible collateral damage.
Because of this likely eventuality, it feels as if my mind wants to punish me. For when things go wrong in life, I withdraw to a corner, isolate myself from the world mentally & physically in an attempt to figure out why bad things happen to me, even though I understand this is not what is best for me. It’s a tormenting psychological battle, moreover no matter how hard I try the ‘other guy’ chimes in, rapping his cane, to make it known that he is the captain of this ship.
All I want is for the pain to stop.
To say, you are doing this to yourself would be entirely accurate. I couldn’t agree more, and yet I still feel trapped. It felt almost an eternity ago; the world was in vivid colour; where I would bounce out of bed with boundless energy beyond my wildest dreams; see the beauty of life in the smallest of subtleties of our reality, and have the confidence in myself to take risks. All I yearn for is to perceive life again through those rose-tinted glasses. Not be stuck with this self-inflicted pain.
To say all of this in a phrase,
I’m not ok.
And I’m terrified of losing what’s left of the passion I’ve cultivated and nurtured over the last year, but I know deep down it's ok not to be ok. This abyss of fear and pain I am spiralling downwards into although it feels agonisingly endless will be banished, slain by the light of inner strength that each one of us possesses, an internal engine igniting when we most require it.
Life is suffering, but always remember we always have the choice, no matter the obstacle, to lessen that suffering.
We are our own worst enemy and our best friend, but do not let the critic inside of us dominate over the fan.
For the one who gives in to the suffering of life will forever live a life of sadness.